Greetings people, guess what I’ve wised up! You no longer have to worry about being shot. Murders are a thing of the past as I’m no longer using my Glock. My bullets now mean nothing to me, now I don’t pay for shots. I just sit behind my computer and make things hot. I’m no longer worried about shootouts with the police because I barely leave my house unless I’m going shopping uptown or partying with you in your crowd. I mostly stay inside and press these keys and move my mouse and tell everyone online my name is Steve. You think I’m in Russia, but I’m right here on the island, being anonymous, not part of Anonymous. Your ISPs don’t care that much because I’m a paying customer, and I realise you don’t follow your own policies and procedures. So here I am going through the back door I planted on your multi-million-dollar internet building.
I didn’t have to pick up a book, and I don’t like reading, but I realised I actually love using computers as I browse social media for hot girls every day. Crime on the streets wasn’t paying that much, and that constantly get caught up in a curfew where you drag me to the police station for days without charging me for a crime. Those days are over because I realise most police officers are afraid of the computer. They love their paper because it’s easy to burn, so I know I don’t have to worry when I sit online making these keys work.
Oh, you forgot to harden your website and check for security vulnerabilities? But you didn’t forget to raid my house without a warrant looking for guns and ammunition. I just started watching some free youtube videos and then signed up for a free two weeks hacking course online, why? because it was free! Duhhh we all love FREE. I would have had more trouble trying to learn how to fire straight because you don’t let me on your gun ranges. Even jumping a wall would have been harder, after I just robbed someone on the streets. But those days are over for me. No more scratches or visits to the hospital because I’m safe and sound with my itty bitty laptop. Forcing your computer to demand a ransom because I know you’re probably good for the money or just really want back your data(which I haven’t actually taken).Kidnapping was never this easy back in the days. Considerate my ransom the new GCT (Good Computer Tax), your computer was so kind to allow me to install my malware because you didn’t install anti-malware.
No, I didn’t create the malware, did you forget I only took a 2 weeks course? I don’t know how to code, I just Google malware then email it to your staff. Of course your staff clicked the link and ran the code! Have you really forgotten you didn’t bother to train them because security awareness wasn’t important enough? Security awareness didn’t make the budget but a huge profit share and new cars made the cut. Now I’m waiting for my million dollar ransom that you will pay me today. Don’t bother to chase the money, I found out about Bitcoin, and by the way, I’m still waiting for you to pay me! When I get paid, I’m going to buy more tech, because you already regulate the guns, but you can’t restrict my brain and you’ve been too slow to realise that information is free for everyone to gain. Sometime in the past, I was slow too to realise the same but look at me now, high and mighty in my underwear, not even breaking a sweat in this summer heatwave.
My business is doing well too, I registered it recently. Now I’m learning about tax evasion and avoidance, just like the big companies. I don’t care too much about being big because I’ll soon be rich. So thank you for not realising that when we started to embrace cybersecurity criminals like me would too. Thank you for doing little to nothing to stop people like me, your full words of little action and been so helpful.
I now make money like clockwork because you’re mostly filled with policies and by the time you decide to catch up, I will be long gone. Not gone from the country just gone from where you thought I was because the internet connection I was using, is your WiFi you didn’t bother to set a strong password. So what are you going to do when the trail comes back to you, and you realise that the criminal was a part of you, a part of your weak security controls, a part of your shady talk, living inside your network while you sit in unproductive meetings all day long.
It’s me again people, your neighbourhood gunman. Don’t worry anymore about being shot, I’ll just live in your online bank account, help you spend your money and while selling your private data on the black market which is no Coronation. Remember it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, I can always reach you. Columbus thought the world was flat, but he was just ahead of his time, now with the internet, he sure was right.
By the way, screw Columbus, he was lost as hell, enslaved my people and said he discovered lands where people already lived. I’m not West Indian, I am no longer a slave, I am Caribbean and from this day on, I only collect pension payments, because my Glock, has retired.
Your new neighbourhood gunman